a vibrant wine

ginger pye

2005-01-08T13:11:00.000+08:00

I just read ginger pye.. it was a lovely book. One of the things I like in books would be familiarity.. at the end of the book, you are familiar with the characters and their habits, familiar with the things they say and the things they do. ginger was really nice, so was east rock, west rock, sam doody, jerry, and rachel. Some of the characters have weird names though, like wally bullwinkle and martin boomberknickle. I wanted to borrow word freak again because I have a little infatuation with fatsis (his style of writing, not him) but the library’s system was down- isn’t that annoying? The system is down so much they might as well sell it away and install the old stamp system. Maybe I should complain to mmt.. get her to do something about it. So inconvenient for the borrowing on materials esp for rS! But she gave me a cool book.. the norton anthology for western music (vol 2) cause I think she got it complimentary from somewhere and it was rotting in her car boot when we went to check if our rs files were there. Since she has no use for it and she connects me with music she gave it to me to read, probably for mep etc.
I went out with CH yesterday to celebrate her bday.. we went out for lunch and ate.. not a lot, but more than normal. Its more fun to eat with friends than to eat alone.. such a socialite mindset but I do feel that way sometimes. I realized that taiwanese chicken is really nice, and so is chocolate pudding. I ate pudding for the first time yesterday, as in real pudding, not like mango pudding (which is gross anyway) which mmt says has too much sugar. I got my mom to agree to fund all my whims for chocolate pudding next time. Maybe I’ll acquire the entire factory.
2 of my juniors are being assimilated into judo. I am partly happy for them because the judo chair and teacher IC are both really really nice (MCH and JB) but they are kinda tiny (high cg).. hope they don’t get bruised too badly during sparring. They’re probably both be in the light-weight category but F did pretty well in judo though she is practically a stick so they should be fine.. this is partly firmans fault. Stupid judoka.. bah. Can’t he influence them to take up pascal or something instead of judo? now my cca will be less in numbers than before and will eventually die a horrible death. Do I look like I care? :P

reopening

2005-01-06T20:14:00.000+08:00

school is kinda fun, just tiring nowadays. i seem to require a whole lot of sleep. i've got the same teachers for mathematics, chemistry, biology, higher chinese, and history. we have a new philo teacher who kicked half the class out of lesson today because his mindset is set on having to teach the first half of the class in the first semester while the second half gets lessons in the second semester. frankly i'd much rather have my philo lessons in the first semester because the second semester is spent preparing for eoys and time to spend on philosophy homework would be scarce. our science eoys are at the end of term 3, i'm not sure about mathematics and the humanities, can somebody inform me? if i am not wrong, only the languages are carried on into term 4, while the first 6 weeks of term 4 we have our options. This year, e-learning week is scrapped too, whereas it is retitled "Learning Journey Week" where we have excursions to lots of places especially the Science Ctr. MN says that ssc is now world class standard but i don't understand how. I know there are certain departments where everything is categorised neatly and systematically such as chemistry and aerodynamics. However most of the other departments are too extensive thus only interesting or so called "cool" experiments are displayed, such as pepper's ghost. the mathemagic section is especially limited. i have been sleeping pretty late the past few nights working on my scrapbook and stressing out about my commonwealth essay. i really have NO idea what to write. It seems that with age, my inspiration has run dry cause i used to be able to write smashing essays (narratives, which are possible options) and feel great after writing them. But now i can't even dream up a storm. How annoying. My English teacher is also in no way encouraging, she practically treats us like retards. Not that my English is fantastic, it is downright atrocious, but she doesn't have to rub it in my face. And she's using the commonwealth essay as a diagnostic test! argh. The topics are so-so, they could have done better, but they are completely uninspiring. sigh.
One thing i could look forward to is the math pull out class and math challenge club. its some advanced strand thing that teaches us other advanced (and probably more interesting) components of mathematics that deviate from the normal a + e math syllabus. That will be quite interesting. And JY's invited to join math challenge club! i thought that was really cool. maybe we can go for math challenge club and chinese tuition together, only that i probably need a more topical approach to chinese instead of an essay approach, even though both of those components are equally terrible. anyway in the a strand classes i will be studying again with C, CH, SH, and MF :) back to homework.

what now

2005-01-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

do you love me, do you not?
you told me once but i forgot.
sometimes its so difficult to tell between that, because you are weird and paranoid, and you don't care when you hurt me. and that in itself hurts me worse than the primary hurt. its so painful to relate to you, to see the way you distrust me. what then, is the point of talking, when there is so much tension and distrust?
but sometimes you really care, in your actions, in the little things you do. you make me so confused, so confused that sometimes i cry to sleep wondering... won't you stop being contradictory? won't you just love me for who i am and accept my opinions and my thoughts, my actions and my words? why do you disregard them? unless i was nothing to you...
i love you. i really do. i get hurt when you cry, when you look sad. it gives me heartache. and sometimes i am the cause of that hurt. perhaps i am contradictory to you too.
***
alright. enough of depressing stuff. sometimes blood relations are such a chore. i am going to do my holiday homework and finish my tys today and do part of my scrapbook. i feel quite accomplished. i just composed 3 rs songs. as in the basic chordal structure but i can probably just improvise around it and turn it into a full blown piece impromptu tmr. and that was done in about 15 minutes toying on the piano. i have 12 songs to do. i will need to find a keyboard. i wish i had one of my own then i can stop borrowing others to arrange my music.

insomniac

2005-01-01T15:50:00.003+08:00

many a sleepless night i've spent
watching the heavenly bodies' descent
and the winds grace all with their comment
wondering where to my broken heart went
***
it is time to take a well deserved break from work.

Hamlet

2005-01-01T15:50:00.001+08:00

What we need is love
Why can’t we have it?
When its what we need,
And it’s all we need.

Why do you restrain us
Why is it wrong?
Why am I made this way
To whom do I belong?

Why do you make it this way
Why the need to stall?
Why do you cut the rope
Why do you let me fall?

Why must it hurt so much
How can I ease the pain?
Should I just take off
Or stay to watch the show again?

ny

2005-01-01T15:50:00.000+08:00

happy new year all. hope you actually enjoy it.
***
For you
If you're lost and feel alone
Circumnavigate the globe
All you ever have to hope for too

And the way you seem to flow
Circumnavigate in hope
And they seem to lose control, with you

Everyone of us is hurt
And everyone of us is scarred
Everyone of us is scared
Not you

Your eyes closed
Your head hurts
Your eyes feel so low

Everyone of us is scared
Everyone of us is hurt
Everyone of us has hope
For you (x10)

cca orientation

2004-12-30T19:18:00.000+08:00

major bore. we gave out all the souvenirs. 8 sec 1s signed up. mh assigned me a whole lot of work- workplan for next yr + calling up all the sec 1s and finding out whether they take third lang or aep or mep and when their days are. funness. >_< sigh. i feel like resigning. ms came over today and i turned into a 5 yr old. i don't know why i keep yawning when she's around. she says it makes her feel boring. and i told her maybe she is. is that very mean? she knows i'm kidding, i know i'm kidding.. don't know why other people want to butt in. oh her butt is very warm too. we were sitting on my bed and when she got up to go to the toilet i stretched out my legs and my bed was so warm cause of her butt.

we went to the reservoir. its really romantic when its raining, all the ripples in the water creating little white specks, with seaweed floating around. my hammies were much fascinated, though they had a turbulent ride due to the rough weather. i need to go do my homework.

life seems to have lost its lustre though.

i have no lyfe

2004-12-29T16:27:00.000+08:00

it feels so great talking to MW again. about all kinds of stupid things. she is officially cca-less. i can't believe MTBC just shifted lyfe into the cle proj service learning category without informing ANY of the members. that makes me quite pissed for MW. after all she has done for lyfe as its chairperson, and all JT has done, it has all gone to waste. they were halfway in the preparation for cca orientation! going for the leadership camp was an utter waste of time! this is all so stupid. i wonder if MTBC has any regard for their feelings at all. poor MW. i hate sch admin. she is always welcome to micromouse, in any case. which will merge with automation. i was thinking rgs microtronics shld be an okay name if we do merge which seems probable unless i take the case up to the principal with adults backing me. adults backing me in anything seems impossible nowadays... i'm getting depressed again. time to lub it.

the higher chinese ten yr series

2004-12-28T22:28:00.000+08:00

from A. it makes me a little stressed into completing it. >< oh well.
having sleepless nights? sick of popping those pills?.......its better than valium! its the HIGHER CHINESE TEN YEAR SERIES! the one step cure to insomnia! absolutely guaranteed to assault your brain with soporific vibes the moment you flip open the cover! just attempt to read a paragraph from a random lijiewenda and find yourself sprawled over it rendered completely comatose as the HIGHER CHINESE TEN YEAR SERIES works its magic, sending you on a narcoleptic trip to lalaland

the sister in law

2004-12-28T16:17:00.000+08:00

my brother brought his girlfriend over today. i shld have stayed at home! or come back earlier. but i brought my mice to the vet. it turned out that they had no amnesia, just that my goal positioning was not pro enough. but they had a full body checkup by the AI staff. Tomato's mouse was a bit off. i'm not sure what was wrong. Her's is renamed Raxaton. Mine is still Reepicheep (which i may change) and S.'s is Raphille. The rest are Ralph, Reussir, and Rae. I don't like Ralph or Reussir, so its time to think of new names :) Names that will stick. So anyway I'm programming Raphille and Reep. Reep should be okay, and Raphille is on its way to CCA orientation perfection. Which = unstable but fast. ultra fast :). I'll leave tomato to do hers and after i'm done with S. and mine i'll help her with her own. Meanwhile i will have to transfer the programs into their individual disks so they won't have to depend on my laptop. And i will have to get Mr. Morris to get us new computers again cause those right now have monitors that do not work and CPUs where the start button gets stuck in the hardware. Can't they have the decency to provide us with up to date computers that are not in the 'condemned' inventory if they want us to fill their trophy cabinet? i mean, come on, micromouse takes up one whole cabinet by itself out of the four the school has and they can't even give us air con and good computers.. what kind of treatment is this..

Anyway. back to the girlfriend. she's just like my brother- they are well-matched. she came and finished 1/3 of the christmas chocolate with my brother. and we got a LOT of christmas chocolate. everyone in my family got something like 1 box each. or more. after that she left some of the wrappers on the floor of MY house. what kind of attitude is this. my dad had to clear up after her. and she didn't even address him! she needs a gd spanking. i should think someone 2 years older than me and from rjc should be fully aware of the propriety and decorum needed in self conduct. or perhaps i am too conservative.

can somebody tell me if there is a ccal briefing tmr? i don't feel like attending. the sec ones better not be snotty this year. i can't imagine wasting my time on them like this. at least the sec ones we got aren't snotty, but we only got 2 so that ain't a very gd gauge. gotta go call up the rest rgd tmr's meeting./

God

2004-12-28T01:20:00.013+08:00

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists." "Why do you say that?" asked the customer."Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.

Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long,stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist." "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! " answered the barber. " What happens, is,people do not come to me. "

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

the quiz

2004-12-28T01:20:00.000+08:00

time wasted. i haven't touched my holiday homework. so much for resolve.
1) Single or taken: half and half.
2) Your Age: 15
3) Birthday: 5th March
4) Siblings: 1
5) Nieces/Nephews: none.
6) Hair color: Black
7) Eye color: Dark brown
8) Shoe size: 9. USA. i think.

* R e l a t i o n s h i p s *~*

1) Who are your best friends? best is a superlative. hq.
2) Did you send this to your crush? its not in an email. and i don't have a crush.
3) Did your crush send this to you?: um. i got it off UK.

*-;-*F a s h i o n S t u f f *-;-*

1) Where is your favourite place to shop?: nowhere in particular.
2) Any tattoos or piercings and if so how many? 2.

*-;-* T h e E x t r a S t u f f *-;-*

1) Do you do drugs: yep.
2) What kind of shampoo do you use: Dove. Shurei. anything.
3) What are you most scared of: loneliness.
4) What are you listening to right now: silence
5) What car do you wish to have: a beetle. a polka dotted purple coloured beetle.
6) Who was the last person who texted you?: B.
7) Where do you want to get married? um. Reunion Island?

*Favourite....*

1) Color: Purple. this is a bit obvious isn't it.
2) Food: mud pie.
3) Boys' names: joel, gabriel, tonks.
4) Girls' names: caridwen, melissa, diane.
5) Subjects in school: math, music, chemistry, physics.
6) Celebrity: chopin
7) Sports: table tennis, pool, badminton, bowling.
8) Music: classical, oldies, rock, pop sometimes.
9) Phrase: Its my world and you just live in it.

*-;-* H a v e Y o u E v e r *-;-*

1) Given anyone a bath: no.
2) Smoked: no.
3) Bungee jumped: no.
4) Broken the law: yes.
5) Made yourself throw-up: no.
6) Gone skinny-dipping: no.
7) Ever been in love: yes.
8) Made yourself cry to get out of trouble: no.

-;-* F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s *-;-*

1) Pizza or chocolate: pizza.
2) How many people are you sending this to? none. we're all rushing holiday homework with the exception of me :)
3) Who will send it back:
4) Gold or Silver: silver
5) What is the last film you saw at the cinema? the incredibles.
***
I feel stupid for wasting half an hour of my sleeping time on this dumb thing. but i suppose i do stupid stuff all the time.

the coral island

2004-12-27T13:02:00.000+08:00

i need to do my holiday homework today. the tys. and some of the scrap book. the scrap book is easy.. i just wish i had a spell checker to underline all the cuo bie zi.. i still have a horrible lot of them since primary school. >< i'm waiting for my breakfast to cool down now.. i'm a bit depressed but i won't talk about it. life is full of complication.. i need to be mature but i don't want to be. i guess my rebellious streak is showing now.. at least its only inside and outside i don't show it. and there is someone reliable to take over my past roles. i've been reading the Coral Island and there's a very cute extract about Peterkin and his Cat. Just the kind of things i'd say to my hammies.. they are so awfully cute.. i love watching them when i'm sad. they like playing on my bed, i just don't like it when they shit on it.. they even shit on Mr. Russell sometimes.. but that's my fault.. cos i put them on his ample stomach and they don't run anywhere else. i've got a new addition to my family.. and he's really cute too. :) when i feel like it i'll take a picture and put it up. here's the extract about Peterkin and his Cat.
***
The sight that met our gaze was certainly not a little amusing. On the top of a log which we sometimes used as a table, sat the black cat, with a very demure expression on its countenance; and in front of it, sitting on the ground, with his legs extended either side of the log, was Peterkin. At the moment we saw him he was gazing intently into the cat's face, with his nose about four inches from it - his hands being thrust into his breeches pockets.

'Cat,' said Peterkin, turning his head a little on one side, 'I love you!'

There was a pause, as if Peterkin awaited a reply to this affectionate declaration. But the cat said nothing.

'Do you hear me?' cried Peterkin, sharply. 'I love you - I do. Don't you love me?'

To this touching appeal the cat said 'Mew,' faintly.

'Ah! that's right. You're a jolly old rascal. Why did you not speak at once - eh?' and Peterkin put forward his mouth and kissed the cat on the nose!

'Yes,' continued Peterkin, after a pause, 'I love you. D'you think I'd say so if I didn't, you black villain? I love you because I've got to take care of you, and to look after you, and to think about you, and to see that you don't die-'

'Mew, me-a-w!' said the cat.

'Very good, continued Peterkin, 'quite true, I have no doubt; but you've no right to interrupt me, sir. Hold your tongue till I have done speaking. Moreover cat, I love you because you came to me the first time you ever saw me, and didn't seem to be afraid, and appeared to be fond of me, though you didn't know that I wasn't going to kill you. Now, that was brave, that was bold, and very jolly, old boy, and I love you for it - I do!'

Again there was a pause of a few minutes, during which the cat looked placid, and Peterkin dropped his eyes upon its toes as if in contemplation. Suddenly he looked up.

'Well cat, what are you thinking about now? Won't speak, eh? Now, tell me; don't you think its a monstrous shame that these two scoundrels, Jack and Ralph, should keep us waiting for our supper so long?'

Here the cat arose, put up its back and stretched itself; yawned slightly, and licked the point of Peterkin's nose!

'Just so, old boy, you're a clever fellow - I really do believe the brute understands me!' said Peterkin, while a broad grin overspread his face, as he drew back and surveyed the cat.
***
Peterkin is such an affectionate fellow. I've been playing endlessly with Roy the past few days.. he is getting more and more handsome. I love Roy, i really do. I want to bring him home for myself. He bites :) but he doesn't bite me, which is gd. I've been playing with Toby too.. but i wish Toby would grow his hair.. he's a silky terrier.. he looks weird with short hair. Out of Roy, Toby, and Jovi, i love Roy the most. Then Jovi, cos he's such a huge dog and such an obedient dog. He's learnt to sit and shake hands :) I like his ears.. He's a golden retriever and his coat is nice too. But Roy is still the handsomest of them all.

oops

2004-12-24T14:38:00.000+08:00

happy birthday hq! :)
i shall stop blogging depressing stuff.. ^^ i realised that they have negative repercussions.
i'm not done wrapping my christmas presents.. not even done with sending the christmas cards. ><><>< last minute, as usual. my holiday homework is in a sad state, but i know of people who are in worse states than me :) out of point, but i shld have them completed asap. i've got 4 more clozes, 4 more compres, 4 more summaries, and 8.5 days of scrapbook to finish. shldn't be too difficult. there're more than 2 weeks left.

the list

2004-12-22T14:38:00.000+08:00

Bold all the things that are true and add three things to the list

01. I know all the words to 'Barbie girl.'
02. I'm obsessed with high heels
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a shopaholic.
05. I love hoop earrings. [not love but they're okay la.]
06. I am a virgo.
07. I love beer
08. I can't live without lip gloss.
09. I can't live without music.
10. I lived in Purgatory for 3 months.
11. I spend money I don't have.
12. I'll be in college forever. [If i even get there]
13. I've seen Jason Mraz.
14. I get annoyed easily.
15. I eventually want kids. [very, very eventually. when i get bored with life.]
16. I have more then a couple of horrible memories.
17. I am addicted to Lizzie McGuire.
18. I am a person.
19. I start film school in February.
20. I love the rain.
1. I love taking pictures. If I'm the one TAKING the picture and not IN the picture
22. I LUV girls who are fake.
23. I can be mean when I want to. [this is about all the time]
24. My dreams are bizarre.
25. One of my close friends is gay.
26. I have way too many purses.
27. I've seen 'Fight Club' at least 45 times.
28. I usually dress how I feel that day. Which is generally boliao
29. I love 'Sex and the City'.
30. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
31. I hate when people are late Or too damn early.
32. I procrastinate.
33. I love winter.
34. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
35. I love to sleep.
36. I wish I were smarter.
37. I'm afraid of flying. Of heights more like.
38. I love singing.
39. I am addicted to The OC
40. I love my hair. [again, not really love, but its okay.]
41. I never fight with my parents.
42. I love the beach. [same with the hair and hoop earrings.]
43. I have never had the chicken pox.
44. I'm excited for the future. [ha ha. you should have a very clear idea of what my future will be]
45. I can't control my emotions.
46. I can't wait till New Year's.
47. I love the show 'Rich Girls'.
48. I love my friends. Not in THAT way.
49. Christmas is my favorite holiday. [it ain't cos it falls on the school holidays already. something like deepavali would be nicer where they're on school days and all.]
50. I can be very insecure sometimes. [try all the time]
51. I have never broken a bone. Not to my knowledge anyhow.
52. I hate racist people.
53. I hate my computer. We have a love-hate relationship...
54. I love guys that play the guitar. Not all of them. [Those who play classical guitar can get nerdy.]
55. I state the obvious. Duh.
56. I'm a happy person.
57. I love to dance. If I could I would. I can't.
59. I hate cleaning my room.
60. I tend to get jealous easily.
61. I love cute underwear.
62. I love John Mayer. [Who's he?]
63. I cry when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused. Not really... Animals are here for us to eat.
64. I want to go to Greece.
65. I don't like to study for tests.
67. I am too forgiving. [ha ha.]
68. I have a horrible sense of direction.
69. I love high school.
70. I have a talent of sweet-talking my way out of things.
71. I'm a daddy's girl.
72. I love kisses on the forehead.
73. I love the color pink.
74. I love to sew.
75. I have blue eyes.
76. I love the Olsen Twins.
77. I played soccer for 14 years.
78. I become stressed easily.
79. I HATE liars.
80. I like comfy sweatpants. When it's not hot.
81. Paul Walker is a fag. lol.
82. I love the smell of asphalt after it's rained.
83. I love my family.
84. I hate needles.
85. I am a perfectionist.
86. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
87. I am still a virgin.
88. I would love to have my own fashion line.
89. I can be quite selfish. Are you kidding? Just QUITE?
90. I still act like a little kid sometimes. Everyone else would say all the time ^^
91. I despise dishonesty. It's kinda like lying.
92. I love pictures.
93. I love music.
94. I wish I were more motivated when it comes to school. Actually I just wished it didn't exist.
95. I love getting stuff in the mail.
96. I have problems letting go of people.
97. I hate the feeling of being lonely.
98. I don't want to be married.
99. I hate the fact that i wear size 5 jeans.
100. I've never watched "Sex and the City" and I don't really care if I do.
101. I really don't want to add three things to this list.
102. I love Harry Potter. The books and movies, not the guy.
103. I am patient.
104. I like bunnies.
105. I often don't think before I speak and then regret it. Even if i don't think before i speak i seldom forget it.
106. I love summer.
107. I miss my friends who I haven't seen for a while.
108. I like the feeling of sneezing.
109. The thought of special brownies make me giggle.
110. Sometimes I actually enjoy school but other times I just want it all to stop. Is recess counted as part of school?
111. I work at a convenience store and strongly dislike it.
112. I love video games.
113. I'm an insomniac like now
114. I like lord of the rings...
115. I'm reading Da Vinci Code
116. my name is JC
117. I want thirteen kids
118. I get attached easily
119. but I still manage to have commitment problem
120. im an azn kid. [what's that?]
121. I like to watch movies that make you cry. [they're okay. but i like those really depressing ones]
122. I love playing in the rain.
123. Ive watched porn. [actually i'm not quite sure what that is. as in i know they people are nude and all but i'm not sure what they do.]
124. Ive skinny dipped multiple times
125. People that shove religion down my throat bother me.
126. I miss my home of nine years.
127. I love dancing to britney spears
128. I like it doggie style.
129. I need a life.
130. I love roller coasters.
131. I am scared of heights.
132. My nails are painted pink.
133. I love gum.
134. I think Johnny Knoxville is sexy!
135. I am in love with Johnny Depp. He's okay.
136. I'm a hopeless romantic.
137. I'm a pimp. What's a pimp?
138. I dont think before I speak. Actually, I don't think.
139. I get into trouble atleast 3 times a week for stupid shit.
140. I have never gotten straight A's.
141. I have a tanning bed in my house.
142. Olives are my favorite!
143. Kittens make me happy.
144. I am in love with AFI.
145. I am a supervisor at an amusement park.
146. I love the fact that my birthday is in August because it is not near any major holidays.
147. I have more than one favorite color
148. The end of 'Big Fish' makes me cry. Never watched it.
149. I am gay.
150. I have done drugs other than weed.
151. I have never cheated on anybody.
152. I don't think i'll ever find someone that would want to be with me.
153. I was born in New York
154. I'm Chinese
155. I have black hair
156. I am addicted to livejournal
157. The Notebook is the saddest movie. Never watched it.
158. I'm gangsta
159. I've got plaid PJ pants that say Bootylicious on them
160. I miss New York. I want to go there!!
161. Im in love with Marilyn Monroe.
162. I would do anything for my friends.
163. I want to stay in a relationship for a long time
164. I believe in love at first sight.
165. I'm obsessed with chapstick
166. I hate George W. Bush. Shoot me. See if I care.
167. I have curly hair. Slightly
168.The Notebook is my favorite movie.
169. I love thursday.
170. I love rochelle.
171. The movie Radio makes me cry. Never watched it.
172. I am sad that this thing is ending. More than happy in fact.
173. I am cold.
174. I have a boxer dog.
175. I wish I had green/blue eyes.
176. i am a crazy fangirl.
177. i love japanese food.
178. i failed my piano exam. are you kidding?
179. I've watched Attack of the Clones eight times
180. I am addicted to msn games [just minesweeper flags]
181. I have way too many pairs of shoes
182. I'm totally in love with Man United.
183. If I had a choice, I wouldn't do this.
184. I think Gabriel Heinze is sooooo cute!
185. I want a Steinway piano.
186. I want to pass FRSM in 4 years time. [which is not possible but nvm. dreams.]
187. I want to be able to play the guitar well (acoustic and bass) I can play but i'm not too hot.

the catcher in the rye

2004-12-21T14:38:00.002+08:00

bad news hits her everyday.. progressively getting worse- like hailstones on a car windshield. Breaking her, into little pieces, until there is a huge gaping hole. When will it be healed?
***
From: the Catcher in the Rye
I went up to the window where they sell the tickets and bought old Phoebe a ticket. Then I gave it to her. She was standing right next to me. "Here," I said. "Wait a second- take the rest of your dough, too." I started giving her the rest of the dough she'd lent me.

"You keep it. Keep it for me," she said. Then she said right afterward - "Please."

That's depressing, when somebody says "please" to you. I mean if it's Phoebe or somebody. That depressed the hell out of me. But I put the dough back in my pocket.

"Aren't you gonna ride, too?" she asked me. She was looking at me sort of funny. You could tell she wasn't too sore at me anymore.

"Maybe I will next time. I'll watch ya," I said. "Got your ticket?"

"Yes."

"Go ahead then- I'll be on this bench right over here. I'll watch ya." I went over and sat down on this bench, and she went and got on the carousel. She walked all around it. I mean she walked once all the way around it. Then she at down on this big, brown, beat-up-looking old horse. Then the carousel started, and I watched her go around and around. There were only about five or six other kids on the ride, and the song the carousel was playing was "Smoke gets in your eyes." It was playing it very jazzy and funny. All the kids kept trying to grab for the gold ring, and so was old Phoebe, and I was sort of afraid she'd fall off the goddam horse, but I didn't say anything or do anything. The thing with kids is, if they want to grab for the gold ring, you have to let them do it, and not say anything. If they fall off, they fall off, but it's bad if you say anything to them.

When the ride was over she got off her horse and came over to me. "you ride once, too, this time," she said.

"No, I'll just watch ya. I think I'll just watch," I said. I gave her some more of her dough. "Here, Get some more tickets."

She took the dough off me. "I'm not mad at you any more," she said.

"I knew. Hurry up- the thing's gonna start again."

Then all of a sudden she gave me a kiss. Then she held her hand out, and said, "It's raining. It's starting to rain."

"I know."

Then what she did- It damn near killed me- she reached in my coat pocket and took out my red hunting hat and put it on my head.

"Don't you want it?" I said.

"You can wear it a while."

"Okay. Hurry up, though, now. You're gonna miss your ride. You won't get your own horse or anything."

She kept hanging around though.

"Did you mean it what you said? You really aren't going away anywhere? Are you really going home afterwards?" she asked me.
"Yeah," I said. I meant it, too.. I wasn't lying to her. I really did go home afterwards. "Hurry up now," I said. "The thing's starting."

She ran and bought her ticket and got back on the goddam carousel just in time. Then she walked all the way around it till she got her own horse back. Then she got on it. She waved to me and I waved back.

Boy, it began to rain like a bastard. In buckets, I swear to God. All the parents and mothers and everybody went over and stood right under the roof of the carousel, so they wouldn't get soaked to the skin or anything, but I stuck around on the bench for quite a while. I got pretty soaking wet, especially my neck and my pants. My hunting hat really gave me a lot of protection, in a way, but I got soaked anyway. I didn't care, though. I felt so damn happy all of a sudden, the way old Phoebe kept going around and around. I was damn near bawling, I felt so damn happy, if you want to know the truth. I don't know why. It was just that she looked so damn nice, the way she kept going around and around, in her blue coat and all. I wish you could've been there.
***
It's such a depressing book. I excused the swear words- its writer's license. At least for Salinger, not for people like Franklin Dixon or Carolyn Keene or Francine Pascal. I wonder if Francine Pascal descended from Blaise Pascal. I imagine he would not be very eager to acknowledge her. Though her job is lucrative, money is not what knowledge is about, especially scientific knowledge. Not at all. It is too shallow. I would like to be the catcher in the rye, too. To catch the little children, running through the rye, off the cliff. Like the BFG. Like Puddleglum. Just the way I would want to be a lift operator- I'd let Holden up to his own apartment. I wouldn't let Holden up to Mr. Antolini's apartment though, cause he's a flit.
One thing I really, really loathe is when people tell me they understand. How can they understand? Do they know my brain inside out? Do they know what I know? Do they know every little single detail of whatever situation they understand? Presumably not. As much as I hate presumptions, it is utterly impossible for people to understand whatever they delude themselves to understand without going through the exact same experience. Like the way a snowflake falls through the sky, the path of each is different, creating no two same snowflakes, just as there are no two same experiences. Impossibile! You cannot understand. You do not have the capability. It is a flat lie.

intellectual laziness

2004-12-21T14:38:00.001+08:00

seeing that i have so much time today..
i am now in the midst of coral island and allegro con brio. something, anything to fill up my mind. ever since the past few weeks, i have become more acutely aware of loneliness. I felt depressed when Sam Cayhall lost his case against the state of Mississipi. I always hoped that him, a murder, klansman, lyncher, would win. He was truly guilty, and 2 wrongs do not rectify one. I felt terrible for Donnie and Adam and Lee.. The process on the death row was depressing enough- 16 hours of sleep a day with 1 hour out to play in the sun, toast and coffee for breakfast every morning for 9 years.. the rest of the time to read the limited amount of books kept in a cell, legal documents not thicker than 5 inches within the cell.. It depressed me. And for it all to end in the black hole of the gas chamber. Cyanide tablets and sulfuric acid. I wondered what I would truly do with my life in the years to go- Grow? We love Grow. We love Grow. See how fast I grow. See how fast i grow. So strong, so fast, I drink Grow; delicious, creamy, Grow, Grow, Grow. We love Grow. We love Grow. Terrific. Isn't that just something smashing to look forward to? I would really feel like I was on the death row. Misquoting a line from Anne of the Island, when the rose of love has bloomed, friendship pales in comparison. Gilbert would not accept friendship from Anne. But he was a sensible young man. I think. Nothing is the same anymore, not even the simple, delightful (or not) things in life. You can't do anything without permission, things that are perfectly harmless- without affecting other's opinion of you, without losing credibility, without keeping everything the same. I used to keep others on their toes. Now it is I who is kept on mine- in everything I do, a risk must be taken. Everything I do, it must be right- morally, ethically, socially, politically, religiously right. Right, correct, perfect. No space to err. The inmates have lost their physical freedom- I have lost my psychological freedom. But did I lose it willingly? Am I even ready to lose it? Prisoner of religion- now that is something to think about.

There's one thing about my social circles- within the elites and the church. A streak that is not uncommon amongst all- which is known as intellectual laziness. In the church, people sing worship songs, praises to what they call their Lord and Saviour. Do they mean it? Sometimes I wonder. I've been talking to some of the younger girls, since the retreat. They are in spiritual no man's land. I am not sure about the rest of the congregation. Especially songs by more secular groups (i.e. Hillsong); Tunes like "To the ends of the earth"
Let me quote some of the lyrics. It starts with "Love Unfailing, overtaking my heart" Does God's love really overtake their heart? Do they feel overwhelmed by it? Do they feel particularly loved? Why then, do some of them search for love in other places? Is love an action to them, or a mere feeling? Are they impacted by God's love when He sacrificed His Son for them? Do they feel it? If they don't, why are they singing it? Do they not know it is a lie? Bear in mind that this is only the first 2 lines. The next stanza goes "I would give the world to tell your story, cause I know that You've called me" The story here refers to the gospel. Firstly, this sentence is fallacious because the world is not theirs to give- How then, would they be able to feel the loss of giving away something that is not theirs? No sacrifice is made at all- this line is moot. Unless 'the world' would not be literal, it would literally mean 'everything' to them, then are they really ready to give up everything to tell His story? If they truly know that He has called them, why is it that their vision of sharing the gospel to their friends in school is usually a dream and not a goal? I. (one of the more spiritually mature boys in my group) impressed upon us that dreams are things that do not have a deadline. They are merely what you want to do- but you may not put effort in doing it, because the deadline is not obvious. Goals, are things that you set deadlines to, because you are completely serious about them, serious about carrying them out. Have they really heard His calling to share His word? Why then, are they not impacted by this calling? (Note that 'impacted' is not an English word, but I think it expresses itself very well.) The next part of the stanza says "I've lost myself for good within Your promise, and I won't hide it" Well they are hiding it very well indeed. I am sure I cannot find a single sfer who has lost himself for good within the promises in the bible. They hold on to many things in life. Even I do. That is why I have concluded that I shall not sing this song ever again because I don't believe in it. I don't believe that I have lost myself for good (if I have lost myself at all), I haven't sensed any calling to go to the ends of the earth, I am not sure I am ready or willing to go to the ends of the earth to spread the gospel- to cannibalistic African tribes, to sacrifice myself, my life, my time on earth. I am not sure of these things, and I will not sing of them. Until I am ready to give up everything for God, I will not lie to myself, nor to others. This is the lack of thought that is given to worship. And most other things, such as sin. They sing the "Heart of worship" , they sing "I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, when its all about You, its all about You Jesus." I do not believe that a person is truly sorry if he apologises after he has erred. Does that not forfeit the use of an apology? There they are, singing more about themselves than about God, because the music, especially the introduction is catchy, when the focus should be placed on God. Are they really sorry for the thing they've made it? That sentence is definitely the result of an assumption that what they have made worship is bad, wrong, or negative. Do they even know what's wrong with their worship? If I am able to erase my past records by just saying "I'm sorry" after I've done something wrong, that would reduce the credibility of the apology, rendering it completely useless. I would then continue sinning as much as I liked because the erasure of sin was so simple- a(n) (in)sincere apology will do. I detest intellectual laziness, though I was once a practitioner of it, and probably still am, just not as much.

Intellectual laziness in secular groups;
I remember in primary 5, I attended Chinese tuition with W. When his mom asked us to read Chinese sentences from the shou ce to understand the use of the ci, we immediately, without prior planning, chose the shortest sentence to read out, unless there were lots of difficult words in the shorter sentence. She was much amused by this. Perhaps intellectual laziness is part of human nature. It should be dealt with though, in my opinion. Just imagine how much could be accomplished if everyone put more thought, and more effort to think about things that matter!
***
I am really depressed. Keeping an open mind is definitely not my favourite thing to do. Go away, give me up for lost. I am lost.